Although, you’ll have to find a different way to do so and in a way that makes a lasting impact on you and the people you love who are still here. When making an AA amendment, it’s important to apologize sincerely, be humble, accept responsibility for your actions, admit fault, change your behavior, and make an effort to rebuild trust. When I survey my drinking days, I recall many people whom my life touched casually, living amends but whose days I troubled through my anger and sarcasm. These people are untraceable, and direct amends to them are not possible. The only amends I can make to those untraceable individuals, the only “changes for the better” I can offer, are indirect amends made to other people, whose paths briefly cross mine. Courtesy and kindness, regularly practiced, help me to live in emotional balance, at peace with myself.

• An amends is not an apology or “I’m sorry” for a wrongdoing.
• These steps mean taking ownership of the past, apologizing for wherever you made mistakes and moving forward from those missteps.
• We’ve had a spiritual awakening, and we suddenly want to fit as much as possible into each day—and we want to quickly repair all the harm we caused during active addiction.
• Next time, you’ll be in a better position to accept your shortcomings and align with the path to fix them.
• We are seeking accountability for our own actions and holding ourselves to the standards of our own values and our 12 Step program.
• In the midst of your ninth step, you say to him “I’m so sorry that I stole that money from you and used it for drugs”.

Ways of Approaching the Amends Process with Care

When I first came to recovery, I was certain steps 8 and 9 would be a breeze. After all, I hadn’t hurt anyone (Step 8), so I didn’t need to make any amends (Step 9). In fact, every day I make a living amends to my husband, son, Mom, and brother Ricky. Living amends refers to the ways in which you change how you live your life in recovery or “walking our talk.” These changes affirm your commitment to the direct or symbolic amends you made with others. Living amends represent the long-term actions you will take to remain committed to recovery. Sometimes, making direct amends with someone may lead to further harm.

Support Our Mission

For example, if you neglected or mistreated your children while you were using alcohol, a simple apology may not repair the damage. Instead, you may need to engage in a dialogue with them over time. This may involve attending family therapy or individual therapy.

Graduate School of Addiction Studies

Before you decide who to approach and how you intend to make amends, reflect on your efforts at recovery and the intent behind making amends. For example, someone living with an addiction may make amends by apologizing for stealing property and then make it right by returning what they’d taken. It’s important to have a plan in place before we reach out. We can’t know for certain how another person will respond—or even how the interaction might affect us emotionally. So be sure to talk with your sponsor and/or support group about your plan in the event that you need support. If you promised your father to help him mow the lawn on Sundays, but years have passed, and you’ve never once shown up, start now.

• Though we would certainly suggest she read some of our other posts on seems like regret and self-forgiveness, we also deeply appreciate the option of a ‘living amends’.
• Thankfully, there are tips you can take to help make your living amends permanent and lasting.
• It is a clear and purposeful act designed to clear up a problem from the past.
• If the harm you caused someone included monetary damage and you do not have the financial means to make direct amends in a monetary way, this does not mean that you should not make amends to that person.

The List Of Wrongs

It is a clear and purposeful act designed to clear up a problem from the past. Don’t letting putting off making an apology or paying a debt you owe become a bigger problem in the future that could cause you to pick up a drink. This tends to result in enhanced relationships and repairing ones that were injured. Avoid initiating a conversation if the other person is distracted or upset by something unrelated. If possible, schedule a time to speak with them in advance to prepare for the conversation. That is, you can’t push it to the side or avoid it because of embarrassment.

Whenever possible, those in recovery are encouraged to make direct amends face-to-face with those they’d harmed while living in addiction. Making living amends primarily benefits you and not the people you’ve wronged in the past. It’s about making positive changes within yourself so that you don’t repeat old patterns of behavior that led to your broken relationships in the first place.

Positive Psychological Effects of Step 9 AA

In Twelve Step recovery, your pace is your own to determine. No doubt you will experience challenges and setbacks along the way. But by prioritizing your recovery on a daily basis and doing whatever that next right thing might be for you, you will keep moving forward in living a life of good purpose. We can also make amends by living very purposefully within the bounds of our principles. For example, if we hurt people with our lying and we cannot make amends without further injuring them, we would make living amends by making a decision to behave and communicate with complete honesty.

They can make a living amend to change their lifestyle, get sober, and stop stealing from their parent. Living amends, in this event, can include making changes to the behaviors contributing to the falling out between the survivor and the person they owed an apology to. For example, let’s say a mother didn’t make an effort to escort her children to the school bus stop. One of her children is killed crossing the street on their own even after telling their mother that they were afraid to cross the busy street alone.

It’s really hard to apologize to those you’ve hurt — it takes courage and humility and requires a deep, intense look at yourself. Thankfully, there are tips you can take to help make your living amends permanent and lasting. No matter how much we feel the need to make things right, forcing another to meet with us or hear from us is not part of the Steps. When those we’ve hurt are not able or willing to accept our amends, we can still move in a positive general direction by taking intentional steps to be of service to others or making living amends.